Dear Alcohol,
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.
As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect
post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around on
the holidays, hidden inside chocolate as you warm us when we're
stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately,
I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe
that you have my best intersts at heart, I feel that your influence
has led to some unwise consequesnces:
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is
important, i question the suggestion that any conversation of
substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make
me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact that
they don't want to hear from me durning the day, let alone all hours
of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you
suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big italian
meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off
with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili fries)? I'm an
ecentric eater, but I think you went to far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need
to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the
issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary,
and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the
next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more
than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's
debauchery may be in order, but the 3 pm hangover immobillity is
completely unnaccceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if
the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,
asprin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen
floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no
way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would
like to ensure that we remain on good terms. you've been the
invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the
needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra
money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask
that you carefully review my grievances above & address them
immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3 pm
(pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can
continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your biggest fan
P.S.
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
> > 1. Specificity
> >
> > 2. British Constitution
> >
> > 3. Passive-aggressive disorder
> >
> > THINGS THAT ARE IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
> >
> > 1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
> >
> > 2. Nope, no more beer for me.
> >
> > 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
> >
> > 4. Good evening officer, Isn't it lovely out tonight?
> >
> > 5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
> >
DEAR ALCOHOL
DEAR ALCOHOL
"I'm dealing with this the same way I dealt with my own alcohol and drug addiction...with lies and delusion."
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